Chapter 169: [No title]
Lin Fan really was waiting for her right beneath her apartment. There were still traces of last night’s downpour all over the streets, but the day’s weather was really good; one could even see the bright and beautiful sunlight filtering through the dense foliage.
Lin Fan was standing underneath a tree by her apartment. His back was tall and straight, and his bearing was particularly graceful today.
Cheng Xi guessed that he might have come looking for her because of what had happened last night, but contrary to her expectations, the first he said was, “I’m sorry, but I didn’t know you called my mother. Regarding Jiaman, is there any way I can help?”
Cheng Xi looked at him strangely. “You came just for this?”
Lin Fan fell silent, but Cheng Xi patiently waited for him to speak up. She knew that he preferred to keep his troubles to himself, but for this issue, staying silent wouldn’t help either of them.
Lin Fan squeezed out somewhat arduously, “Yesterday…… I have an explanation for what my wife said. Would you be willing to listen to them?”
Cheng Xi looked at him again. “Have you tried giving your explanations to your wife?”
“She doesn’t believe me.” He smiled bitterly as he continued. “She doesn’t believe anything that I say. I’m not intentionally treating her like that, but I just don’t know what to say to her. No matter what I say, she refuses to believe it, and it’s purely because she doesn’t ever believe me that I lost all will to ever say anything. Cheng Xi, I’m not that much of a bastard. When I first decided to marry her, of course I wanted to treat her well! But everyone gets tired, and her mercurial nature left me weary hearted. You know what kind of environment I grew up in—I loathe fighting. Thus, no matter what she wants, I’ll try my best to satisfy her. But I never expected that even this would leave her dissatisfied and unhappy.”
“I’ll also admit that I didn’t want her to see you because I didn’t want to embroil you in my affairs. However, this only made her feel like I was trying to shield you, so she decided to go on a hunger strike to threaten me into acquiescing.”
Cheng Xi listened to him quietly. When he finished explaining, she asked, “So, all of this was just a misunderstanding on her part?”
“Then, did you marry her because you loved her?”
Lin Fan didn’t answer, so she asked again. “She was depressed even before she married you. You should know this. After you two were married, did you really spend any time understanding her, accompanying her, or learning more about her?”
“You’ve been married for so long. But do you even know her favorite dish, her hobbies, her favorite book genre, what she thinks about when she’s bored, or what plans she has for her baby’s future? Do you know any of these things?”
“Lin Fan, the reason why she doesn’t trust you is because she can’t feel your sincerity. If you always push the blame onto others when you interact with them, that’s not an explanation—that’s just a flimsy excuse, and a sign of incompetence. When you asked me what you could do to help with Jiaman’s affairs and I didn’t answer, that was because I too don’t trust you. If you can’t even take care of your wife, then how can you take care of others?”
Lin Fan stood there, dazed as he listened to her words. Each word was like a knife being shoved deeper into his heart. It felt like the knives from last night’s conversation were still buried in his heart, and as she spoke, those knives trembled and reopened those freshly healed wounds until he was paralyzed in agony.
He couldn’t remove the knives; he couldn’t even touch their handles.
He used to think that she was the gentlest person in the whole world, but in reality, she also had another side to her.
She could also harm people.
He thought that she of all people would understand him, but she still spoke such words…… He staggered back a couple steps and asked in disbelief, “Cheng Xi, you’re truly angry at me, aren’t you?”
This time, it was Cheng Xi who didn’t respond.
After all, given how much time they’d spent together, he knew her mannerisms nearly perfectly; he was certain that Cheng Xi was really quite fed up with him. And what made her particularly fed up was that he was harming people in the name of love, like how parents over-pressured their children, or a couple in a romantic relationship smothered each other. Lin Fan’s tale of “loving her but so afraid of others harming her that he couldn’t marry her,” and the supposed “protection” and “true love” that it represented was even more ridiculous.
Don’t be silly. If you don’t even have the courage to look at your difficulties in the face, then how can you truly love someone?
Lin Fan slowly replied, “I understand.”
Cheng Xi nodded. “It’s good that you understand. Furthermore, I don’t feel suited to be your wife’s psychiatrist. If her condition doesn’t improve, I recommend that you look for Renyi’s Dr. Zhao. She primarily works with people suffering from prenatal and postnatal depression, and she has a strong research program that targets depression. Of course, I hope that your wife can recover without any treatment. For her, regardless of how good the psychiatrist is, I’m sure that she’d prefer even a drop of your sincerity.”
This was the main reason why she had decided to meet Lin Fan today. Her stance was already quite firm and clear, but she really didn’t understand how some people, like Meng Qingyang, thought. Three days after Cheng Xi’s talk with Lin Fan, Meng Qingyang, who was supposed to be resting at home, came to Renyi. On that day, Cheng Xi was in charge of the outpatient service. But in the lull between two other patients, Meng Qingyang was brought over by one of the hospital’s bigshots. He said, “There’s a patient here. Cheng Xi, please help out and take care of her.”
Cheng Xi looked at Meng Qingyang, who was sitting in her wheelchair, and then at the hospital bigshot accompanying her. What could she say? Nothing but, “Alright.”
Once she accepted the patient and the bigshot left, one of Cheng Xi’s students stepped up to help her with the check-in procedures, but Meng Qingyang rejected him and said, “I’d like to talk to Dr. Cheng directly.”
The student was bewildered by the request, but Cheng Xi nonetheless took over his duties and had the student deal with the next patient instead. As Cheng Xi filled out Meng Qingyang’s patient information, she asked, “Didn’t your husband tell you this? I’ve already recommended you and given your medical files to another doctor.”
“I know,” Meng Qingyang replied softly, “But I only trust you.”
Cheng Xi was scribbling rapidly, but when she heard this, she looked up and smiled. “Thank you.”
Meng Qingyang then asked, “Did he go to find you again? When he got home, we had a fight because I insisted on looking for you.”
The tip of Cheng Xi’s pen stilled.
Meng Qingyang continued, saying, “So, that’s why I insisted on coming to find you.”
Cheng Xi raised her head. “Do you like fighting with him?”
“No.” Meng Qingyang immediately denied it. “I hate fighting, and I don’t think that he likes it either. However, if we don’t fight, then I won’t ever know what he’s thinking. Dr. Cheng, didn’t I tell you that I was willing to return him to you? Actually, that was a lie. I don’t ever want to give him to anyone else in my life. I love him, and I’ve loved him ever since I first saw him. It’s only because I met him that my life has been filled with purpose. The reason why I tried so hard to steal him from you really wasn’t just so that I could give him back.”
Cheng Xi hated patients like her, because she didn’t know how to respond to them at all.
Especially when Meng Qingyang spoke with such conviction.
Meng Qingyang then grabbed the questionnaire on Cheng Xi’s clipboard, which was a questionnaire that tested for prenatal depression. She filled it out quickly and then handed it back to Cheng Xi. “Look, I’m severely ill, aren’t I? Treat me. I want to get better. I want to make him love me. I want him to treat me gently. I want him to dote and cherish me like he did you.”
Cheng Xi was speechless.